JEP’s news desk is being inundated today with developments around the world, all of which will require some time to fact-check. Just to stay above the flow, we’re reporting them here as they come in.
PUTIN PULLS TROOPS FROM UKRAINE, APOLOGIZES
Vladimir Putin called an immediate cessation of hostilities in Ukraine, pulled all Russian troops out of the battered country and issued a public apology to the world. “What has transpired over the past 40 days in and around Ukraine was a mistake,” he said. “It is not who I am, nor what the Russian people want me to be. I am sorry. On reflection, it appears that I was suffering from a toxic combination of steroids and vodka. This is no excuse, but I have dealt with my medical staff appropriately. Going forward, I will be focused on becoming the man I know I can be. Nothing can really atone for the destruction I unleashed on an innocent population, but from this day through the end of 2025, Russia will direct 50 percent of its profits from oil sales to Ukraine to assist in rebuilding.”
COMPANY CLAIMS MASSIVE NUCLEAR FUSION BREAKTHROUGH
Nick Hawker, CEO of UK-based First Light Fusion, said his company achieved a major breakthrough in the creation of fusion energy, a system that creates unlimited supplies of radiation- and carbon-free energy. “This was not an incremental breakthrough,” said Hawker. “It was at scale.” Hawker announced a consortium of governments and private equity companies that will fund the rapid construction and deployment of fusion generators on three continents by the end of 2025. The Paris Climate Accords were dissolved.
NAURU VIES FOR GLOBAL ATTENTION WITH NEW FLAG
Nauru, a small island state in Micronesia with a population of 9,378, just slightly ahead of Vatican City and Monaco, unveiled a new flag in order to “command the world’s attention and become a 21st century country,” said President Lionel Aingimea. “Our flag will be an NFT and a different one will be minted everyday within constant guidelines. We hope that guessing the next day’s flag will become a game the whole family can play.”
PHIL MICKELSON RETIRES FROM GOLF, JOINS BOARD OF SAUDI ARAMCO
PGA Tour golf legend Phil Mickelson is hanging up his golf shoes and taking an advisory role on the board of Saudi Aramco, Saudi Arabia’s state oil company. “Golf has given me everything, including the Wanamaker Trophy at age 50, so, yeah, now I’m moving on and taking it with me,” Mickelson said. “Look, I know Saudi Arabia isn’t the coolest country in the world right now, but I’m trying to show my professional colleagues that there’s a lot more money to be made out there if you just get a little creative. I know as much about oil as Hunter Biden does about natural gas, so why not?”
PELOSI, MCCONNELL LAUNCH NEW POST-PARTISAN PLATFORM
Wearing large buttons emblazoned with the logo “OC2,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and President of the Senate Mitch McConnell locked arms and declared a new post-partisan platform, “One Country, One Congress.” Both said it was an idea whose time had finally come. “America wants things to work and we’re here to make that happen,” Pelosi said. “On Jan. 6, Nancy and I were stuck in a closet together for a period of time and realized we all want the same things — security, prosperity and progress,” said McConnell. “So let’s roll. No more bullshit.” The first action under the OC2 initiative was the expulsion of Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, Madison Cawthorn, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib.
Busy fact-checking now. Stay tuned, more to come. 😉
If only!!! 🙃🙃